Humor by the Package (Carrier)


After every flight, pilots from a major and well-known package delivery firm fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by these same pilots (“P”) and solutions recorded (“S”) by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

Package Deal - Humor - Gratuitous cat picture.
Gratuitous cat picture.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

I used to wonder what it would be like to read other people’s minds . . . then I got a Facebook account . . . .

Hope you got a chuckle or two.


Humor . . . Irish?

Humor is a necessary component of modern life — witness the current political landscape here in America. But, here is some humor unrelated to no trumps, cruises, bernie bushes or Englishmen who go up a hillary to cross a rubio.

Humor 1

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
” Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
“That little sh*t, O’Conner,” says Sean, “he couldn’t do that to you.  He must have had something in his hand.”Pot of Gold - Humor
“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had,  and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
” Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy.  “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight.”


Humor 2

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”
” Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
” Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
”Did you know,” say’s the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”


Humor 3

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks.  “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”.
“Of course, you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where is my husband?”
”That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”
“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.  Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, Brenda… No. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”


Humor 4

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary? ”
She says, “He said,  ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…'”


Humor 5 — and for last . . . the best?

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin’, there’s nocpaper on this side either!”

Hope ya’ had a chuckle . . .

Humor Again: More ripped-off jokes

Sunday — the morning Premier League game is over and there are no American football games on today involving teams I am interested in. So, . . . here are some jokes I ripped off of various internet sites.

Jokes / Humor:

My wife made the coffee this morning and winked when she handed me a cup.
I’ve never been so scared in my life.

Not to get too technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

A photon checked into the Huntington Beach Hilton and the bellhop asked if he needed any help with his luggage.
“No thanks, I’m traveling light.”

Physicists say the world is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons — they neglected to include morons.

Donald Trump must be the square root of -1 — he just can’t be real.

“Need an ark?”
“I Noah a guy.”

Jerry, Sam and Doris are sailing in the annual race to Ensenada. They have four cigarettes but no way to light them. What do they do?
Doris throws one overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Earth is the third planet from the Sun. Unless we demote Mercury, that makes the United States a third world country.

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

“Let’s eat Nanna.”
Let’s eat, Nanna.”
Remember: Grammar saves lives.

Grammar: the difference between knowing your sh_t and knowing you’re sh_t.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender serves it promptly.
“How much?” asks the neutron.
“For you,” the bartender replies, “no charge.”

What did the kitten say to her mother? “μ”

Three out of two people have trouble with fractions.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To, who.
No, to whom.

What’s another name for Santa’s elves?
Subordinate Clauses.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

What happened when Kermit’s car broke down?
It got toad away.

Last Words:
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

A child’s letter to Santa:
“Dear Santa, Please send me a little brother for Christmas.”
Santa’s reply:
“Dear Nathan, Please send my your mommy.”

Foxhole Mates:
Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?
Because Donald ducked.

Sorry about that.

Time to go grocery shopping.

No squirrel jokes today.
No squirrel jokes today.

Two More Jokes

Joke 1

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others’ copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says “the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!”

Joke 2

A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: “Is that stool taken?”

Joke 3

They have just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.

Same for Joke 3

The Ballad Of A Bachelor

By Ellis Parker Butler
1869 – 1937

Ellis Parker Butler
Ellis Parker Butler

Listen, ladies, while I sing
The ballad of John Henry King.

John Henry was a bachelor,
His age was thirty-three or four.

Two maids for his affection vied,
And each desired to be his bride,

And bravely did they strive to bring
Unto their feet John Henry King.

John Henry liked them both so well,
To save his life he could not tell

Which he most wished to be his bride,
Nor was he able to decide.

Fair Kate was jolly, bright, and gay,
And sunny as a summer day;

Marie was kind, sedate, and sweet,
With gentle ways and manners neat.

Each was so dear that John confessed
He could not tell which he liked best.

He studied them for quite a year,
And still found no solution near,

And might have studied two years more
Had he not, walking on the shore,

Conceived a very simple way
Of ending his prolonged delay

A way in which he might decide
Which of the maids should be his bride.

He said, “I’ll toss into the air
A dollar, and I’ll toss it fair;

If heads come up, I’ll wed Marie;
If tails, fair Kate my bride shall be.”

Then from his leather pocket-book
A dollar bright and new he took;

He kissed one side for fair Marie,
The other side for Kate kissed he.

Then in a manner free and fair
He tossed the dollar in the air.

“Ye fates,” he cried, “pray let this be
A lucky throw indeed for me!”

The dollar rose, the dollar fell;
He watched its whirling transit well,

And off some twenty yards or more
The dollar fell upon the shore.

John Henry ran to where it struck
To see which maiden was in luck.

But, oh, the irony of fate!
Upon its edge the coin stood straight!

And there, embedded in the sand,
John Henry let the dollar stand!

And he will tempt his fate no more,
But live and die a bachelor.

Thus, ladies, you have heard me sing
The ballad of John Henry King