Health Warning!

Subject: WARNING: Don’t wash your hair in the shower. (Baths are also a problem.)

It’s so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!

It involves the shampoo that runs down your body when you shower with it. A warning to us all!

I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”

No wonder I have been gaining weight!!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.

Dawn’s label reads: “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

Growin’ Old

A 91-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 91-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.”

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, still nothing.

We even called up Carol, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

Sad to grow old . . .

Our House — Our Cats — Our Rules

House Rules — Remember: We are only the cats’ staff.

  1. Our cats live here. It is their home, not yours, so show some respect. If you have been invited around, you know us well enough to know we are cat lovers.
  2. If you want to sit down, find an empty seat. Do not expect the cats to move.
  3. If you do not want to get covered in cat hair, then do not sit down, bring a lint roller or strip off at the door (although I rather hope you don’t).
  4. Do not ask us to remove the cats from a room; they live here.
  5. If you are allergic to cats, do not whine, just take a pill or use your phone to call.
    Mist and Smoke "Resting"
    Mist and Smoke “Resting”
  6. Do not shoo away the cats. If they decide to say hello, please, say hello to them. Should you be rude to them, we will see you out the door.
  7. If one or both cats chooses to sit on you, feel honored rather than annoyed. Do not upset the cat — see #6.
  8. You have no need to give us your opinion regarding the cats being allowed to be cats and do cat things. Neither we, nor the cats are interested.
  9. Saying, “They’re just cats,” is offensive. They are part of our family. We love and respect all of the members of our family and do not discriminate against those with four legs and fur. Indeed, we tend to discriminate in their favor.
  10. Finally, remember this at all times: We prefer the cats to you.

NOTE:

These are, of course, not original with us, and they have been adapted because we have multiple cats — I just couldn’t read the url the jpg came from.

How to Bathe a Cat by: The Dog

  1. Put both lids of the toilet up.
  2. Add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
  3. Pick up and soothe the cat while you carry him (or her) to the bathroom.
  4. In one smooth motion put the cat in the toilet and close the lids. Note: You may need to stand on the lid.
  5. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Note: Ignore the noises coming from the toilet as the cat is actually enjoying the bath.
  6. Flush the toilet several times. (This will increase the effectiveness of the process and completely rinse the cat.)
  7. Have another member of the household open the front door to your house. Note: Ensure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
  8. Stand away from the toilet and quickly lift the lid. Note: You may wish to stand in the tub or shower and use a stick or broom handle to lift the lid.
  9. The cat will quickly exit the toilet and bathroom, sort of like 3:00 am behavior, and be out the front door before you can blink.
  10. The cat will dry off and groom outside. Note: You may safely ignore the cat’s dirty looks as these will disappear the next time you use the can opener. Note 2: Both the cat and the toilet will be sparkling clean.https://i0.wp.com/www.wpclipart.com/animals/dogs/cartoon_dogs/.cache/crazy_mean_dog.png?w=980&ssl=1

Another Post About — wait for it — Golf!

A Golfer’s (Hard Won) Wisdom

Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents’ luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . . . for a 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

It’s easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who’s always slightly worse than you are . . . that’s why I get so many calls to play with friends.

If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white. They’re sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).