Our House — Our Cats — Our Rules

March 11, 2019 Joe AuBuchon

House Rules — Remember: We are only the cats’ staff.

Our cats live here. It is their home, not yours, so show some respect. If you have been invited around, you know us well enough to know we are cat lovers.
If you want to sit down, find an empty seat. Do not expect the cats to move.
If you do not want to get covered in cat hair, then do not sit down, bring a lint roller or strip off at the door (although I rather hope you don’t).
Do not ask us to remove the cats from a room; they live here.
If you are allergic to cats, do not whine, just take a pill or use your phone to call.
Mist and Smoke “Resting”
Do not shoo away the cats. If they decide to say hello, please, say hello to them. Should you be rude to them, we will see you out the door.
If one or both cats chooses to sit on you, feel honored rather than annoyed. Do not upset the cat — see ^#6.
You have no need to give us your opinion regarding the cats being allowed to be cats and do cat things. Neither we, nor the cats are interested.
Saying, “They’re just cats,” is offensive. They are part of our family. We love and respect all of the members of our family and do not discriminate against those with four legs and fur. Indeed, we tend to discriminate in their favor.
Finally, remember this at all times: We prefer the cats to you.

NOTE:

These are, of course, not original with us, and they have been adapted because we have multiple cats — I just couldn’t read the url the jpg came from.

Golf Rules for Seniors

September 30, 2018 Joe AuBuchon

Changes in the Rules of Golf

Rule 1.a.5

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (B)

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.B.3 (G)

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7 (h)

If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5

Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9 (k)

There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds”. If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15 (z)

There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9 (S)

Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes. And they are written big enough that most of you should be able to read them!

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have A House To Run

October 16, 2015October 9, 2017 Joe AuBuchon

Chairs and Rugs

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug, shag is good.

Writing; no we don't think so--not on our lap. — Writing; no we don’t think so–not on our lap.

Doors

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow and mosquito season.

Guests

Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human’s lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish’N Glop on your breath, so much the better.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trousers, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing.

For the guest who claims, “I love kitties,” be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle.

When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, “But you allow me on the table when company isn’t here.”

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

Work

If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping. Following are the rules for helping.

1–When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.

2–For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human’s eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3–For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or split yarn. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to help work.

Play

It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or King-o-the-hill on their bed between 2 and 4 a.m.

Begin people training early. You will have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

Remember: a well-trained staff is the hallmark of a true feline household.

*From a fax dated May 2, 1994 and found in an old filing cabinet.