Category: Humor

Marriage in Heaven

Joe AuBuchon

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

Being good Catholics, the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “I can get you married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

“You must be bloody joking,” says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.”

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted “It took me three months to find a priest up here…..Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

Or Marriage in . . .

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

“My hair and makeup are not done; the house is a f__king mess, and the dishes are still in the sink. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can’t you see I’m still in my f__king pajamas? I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f__k did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole???”

“Because … he’s thinking of getting married…”

Golf Rules for Seniors

Joe AuBuchon

Changes in the Rules of Golf

Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (B)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.B.3 (G)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7 (h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9 (k)
There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds”. If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15 (z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float.  Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9 (S)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.  And they are written big enough that most of you should be able to read them!

Fairy Tale — A Contemporary Story

Joe AuBuchon

Fairy Tale Characters:

John — the Father
Corey — the prospective Son-in-law
Marie — the Daughter
Knavs — the Wife

Marie brings her boyfriend home to meet her parents. After dinner, Knavs tells Marie’s father, a media celebrity, to find out about the young man. He invites the boy to his study for tea.

“So what are your plans?” John asks the Corey.

“I am a religious scholar and want to marry your daughter” he replies.

“A scholar,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the boy.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the boy insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go?”

The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I’m God.”

A fairy tale? Hmmmmm . . .

NYT CWP — Today

I’ll apologize for this next section in advance . . .

17 — Underwear for judges? — legalbriefs

24 — Underwear for Frisbee enthusiasts? — discjockeys

34 — Underwear for beginners? — amateurboxers

47 — Underwear for actors? — movieshorts

55 — Underwear for tycoons? — cashdrawers

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Joe AuBuchon

Tuesday — I was hoping today’s scheduled rain would appear but, so far at least, nothing other than a little mist early this morning. And, now, the sun is shining.

Got up a little before seven as the cats were moving about. Fed said cats, went out to get the newspapers, warmed water for Charlie’s tea (Lapsang Souchong) and made myself a pot of coffee.

Coffee finished, I was taking my cup to the front room to enjoy and read the papers while the house was still quiet, i.e., Charlie hasn’t turned on the TV in her room. While entering the living room, and about to have my first sip, I heard Charlie asking for help getting out of bed. Ah, well . . .

So, I helped her to her room, opened her windows, turned on her heater and humidifier, got her tea and her morning meds. Then I popped my cooling coffee cup in the microwave — I like hot coffee — and sat down to read (back to front — starting with the comics and ending with the news) my papers.

After finishing my coffee and the papers, I moved to our exercise room (spare bedroom) and sat on the exercise bike for my usual 100 minutes. Nexfilx and Fullmetal Alchemist were on the TV (muted), the iPad was playing music and I was re-reading Walter Jon Williams’ Angel Station.

I finished on the bike, fixed another cup of coffee for myself and another cup of tea (Earl Grey) for Charlie and warmed her morning muffin (banana and chocolate chip).

I was reading my email with KTLA Morning News on in the background and “breaking news” we had another car chase. The doorbell rang — our cleaners had arrived (every two weeks). I helped Charlie move into the living room while they first cleaned her sunroom and then moved with her back into the sunroom while the cleaners did the rest of the house.

Puzzle

The car chase ended with the good guys capturing the bad guy and no one getting hurt. Charlie went back to watching her animal shows and I started in on my puzzles. The cats decided to infest my lap and hinder my puzzling but I persevered. I enjoyed today’s puns and Charlie just groaned at me when I read them to her:

  • 20 — “Explore Alaska it’s  _____.” — morethanjuneau
  • 33 — “Writers and photographers will find Michigan a great place for _____.” — freelansing
  • 39 — “Blow into Maine on _____” — augustawind
  • 50 — “I was afraid to ski, but in New Hampshire I _____” — concordmyfears

Sorry ’bout that folks, but I couldn’t resist — Tuesday does that to me.

The Curse of Technology

Joe AuBuchon

Technology Can Get You Killed

Text message Richard to Fred:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards, Richard.

Fred’s response:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Richard’s second text message:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.
Regards, Richard.